Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
The problem with titles like this is that it's virtually impossible for a movie to live up to the expectations created. Troma movies often have titles like this, and the movies almost always suck. This isn't a Troma movie, though, it's a Fred Olen Ray movie. And that fact may not raise expectations much higher for some people. I'm happy to report that this movie completely lives up to its title.
This is more of a Film Noir spoof than anything else. The hilarious Jay Richardson plays a "private dick" in search of a runaway girl. And he narrates the proceedings, just like in the old Film Noir classics. This in itself is hilarious. The writing is fantastic. The narration is funny from the start, but as the movie goes on, Jay says more and more risqué things, until there are no rules. You know things are taking a turn for the hilarious when he stumbles upon the runaway that he's been searching for doing a striptease in a bar. He is completely surprised by this, and part of the narration says "You could've knocked me over with a pubic hair." Also hilarious is that some of the narration doesn't match what is actually being shown, but his version of the events. When Jay is speaking in the movie, his character is full of endless wisecracks.
One of the first scenes in the movie is one of the great moments in the entire history of cult films. Michelle Bauer is one of the members of an "ancient chainsaw worshipping cult" and she lures a construction worker to her apartment for some sex for hire. The guy sprawls out on the bed. Michelle puts on some music that is supposed to be Elvis. She dances around and removes all of her clothes. She then pulls out a big sheet of plastic and puts it over a painting of Elvis on the other side of the room, explaining that she "gets carried away sometimes," exciting the guy even more. Then she grabs a couple of shower caps, puts one on her head, and offers the guy one. He declines. She tells the guy to close his eyes. She gives him a little foreplay and then pulls out a chainsaw and chops the guy to bits, spraying blood all over the room. She looks like she's having the time of her life. It may sound gruesome, but it's not. It's too funny and ridiculous to be gruesome.
The plot is ridiculous. Gunnar Hansen, who is famous for being Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, is the leader of an ancient chainsaw cult. Besides Hansen, all of the other members are women, or chainsaw hookers who lure men into their webs and slice and dice them. Richardson stumbles into all of this while searching for Linnea Quigley, a runaway. The cult captures him on the day that they need to offer a sacrifice to their god in order to go on living for another 100 years. While Linnea is a member of the cult, she is actually pretending to willingly be a part of this. The cult had killed a good friend of hers and she has infiltrated the cult for revenge. Richardson and Quigley team up to bring down the cult, and they fall in love along the way.
At one point, when Richardson is captured and tied up, Hanson explains the whole chainsaw cult thing to him. He responds by saying "Sort of a love 'em and cleave 'em racket." and "What do you do? Pray to Black and Decker?"
Linnea defects from the cult and frees Richardson, but the two go to the secret temple of the chainsaw cult that evening where the big ceremony is taking place, and they are recaptured. Michelle Bauer expresses disappointment in Linnea's defection and tells her that "The master's going to give you one last chance to redeem yourself." to which Richard states indignantly "She's not a book of stamps!" So Richardson is slated to be the big sacrifice of the evening, and Linnea is drugged so that she's willing to participate. Before the sacrifice, there are a few ceremonial things to get out of the way, like a topless double chainsaw dance by Linnea. You haven't lived until you've seen Linnea topless, with some body paint on her boobs, erotically dancing around with a chainsaw in each hand! With the topless chainsaw dance out of the way, it's time for Linnea to chop up Richardson, who is tied to the altar. But at the last second, she turns and impales Hansen with the chainsaw. Michelle Bauer grabs a chainsaw, and the two of them fight to the death.
This movie is as good as it sounds. In addition to everything that I've described, I counted six nude women, including one topless fire eater (part of the big ceremony). There's never a dull moment from start to finish. It contains scenes that you will never see in any other movie ever again. It's filled with endlessly witty banter from start to finish. I think it's one of the funniest movies of all time. I've watched it many, many times, and it still makes me laugh. This is a true cult classic that everybody should see. Unfortunately, it's almost impossible to find a copy of this movie. I was lucky to snag one from a video store who was selling down their stock and I haven't seen a copy of it since. I would love to see a DVD release of this movie since I've practically worn my VHS copy out. I also was lucky enough to purchase a one-sheet movie poster (perfect condition and never folded!) for this classic, which features a crazy-eyed Michelle Bauer in lingerie swinging a chainsaw. Way to go Fred. This movie gets a rating of 5, a cult classic.